This blog, as a whole may come across as having a self-pitying, ‘poor me’ nature about it, but this is not my intention. I want to voice my feelings and problems and put them out there with no remorse and no fear and as idealistic as this may sound, I feel it may help people in knowing that they are not alone, that there are ways around a problem, and they are not the so-called problem.
There is a saying, "you are your own problem and you’re your own solution." I do not know who said this but I do know it was in the movie Bridesmaids, but that’s not the point. Some people say these are wise words, wise? I don’t think so, motivational? Maybe…I think it’s quite simply, ridiculous. Yes some people surround themselves with drama and create issues for no particular reason, in my opinion they are bored as all hell, and need something to complain about because in truth, their life is actually not that bad. Why would we want to make our own problems? Creating problems that don’t exist? Why would we want to torture ourselves like that, drop ourselves into a deep and seemingly endless depression?
In terms of that quotation, I’m not talking about little problems that are usually self-imposed, I’m talking about the ones we actually have no control over; a sick parent, a sick sibling, death of a parent or sibling, being bullied at school or at work, these problems we do not cause ourselves, we do not want them or ask for them, they are given to us by fate, destiny, God or the universe, which ever you believe in. From these problems spiral webs of smaller problems which get bigger and usually completely out of control if they are not attended to.
I’m sure many people have witnessed this with a friend, a parent, or even a movie, but an example of this spiralling is alcoholism. A little problem is helped with a glass or two of wine, which turns into a bottle or two of wine, to perhaps a box or two of wine (Silly example but I think that sums it up). Many young people, I’m talking high school and early varsity students, think alcoholism is a joke, getting drunk is cool, and if you’re the drunkest you’re a legend. I know I thought that, I was that girl, the drunkest at the party ALWAYS.
Alcoholism is an illness.
I have been living off ‘crutches’; comfort food, restricting food, exercise, nicotine and eventually alcohol. My drinking started off as a confidence enhancer, so to speak, and resulted in me destroying my relationships, severely hurting my family, humiliating myself at any chance I got (unintentionally), and making close to a decade of my life and memories an alcoholic blur.
This may sound hideously clichéd but the song ‘somebody that I used to know’ by Gotye has a lyric, "you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness," to me this lyric sums up the problem. You can get addicted to sadness, you cannot get out and it can kill you emotionally. I like to think of it as giving up smoking, you so desperately want to stop and break free but just cant, but then there are those ones that do, they build up the strength to just break out of it, some more easily than others.
At the top of the blogsite it reads "do you ever look into the mirror to remind yourself you’re still there," it was taken from an Arctic Monkeys lyric, "do you look into the mirror to remind yourself you’re there." Because honestly I don’t know how many times I looked into the mirror either still drunk the morning after a big night, when I was drunk out or came home drunk, I would look into the mirror and not really like what or who I saw, I didn’t know that person, but they were apart of me and some people knew me as that drunk mess in the mirror. I hear stories of my behaviour when I was drunk and I die inside, that sinking feeling of absolute shame. I had no control over what I did, which may sound like a poor excuse but its true. My level of drunkenness was not that of tipsy mistakes but rather of fatal drinking. My tipsy was another persons ‘smashed’. When I look back now it, it feels like I did have a split personality (I didn’t/don’t). I completely switched when I was drunk, I was; aggressive, obnoxious, violent, cruel, annoying and at some points, I had thoughts of suicide.
This is merely an introduction to a whole load of stories, which are humorous, shocking, sad and just scary.
Thursday, 29 March 2012
A Dangerous Sacrifice
When it comes to bulimia, I see it as similar to the ‘art’ of smuggling. You know you’re doing something that is wrong, you’re scared of being caught but will stop at nothing to feel the benefits of the act. But when you get caught, your resources are cut off and it becomes much harder to implement.
I was caught vomiting countless times. And my excuse ranged from, me saying I had a headache, or the food was too rich or that I just felt sick. My excuses ran out, and what ever I told my mom or whoever was concerned, they knew I was lying. People knew I was bulimic and I kept trying to deny it, but eventually I was just exhausted. I was tired of psychologists, and seeing as though I had three at one time, I would have to repeat the same story three times. Except for that one psychologist who tried to stop herself from yawning but I could see she wanted to as her nostrils grew bigger and her lips grew longer. I didn’t really talk in her sessions. And then the psychologist who had a beige walled office, beige picture frames, beige chair and couches, beige clothes and a really beige personality, she was a real treat.
Because I was under so much surveillance, and I could see I was damaging my mother physically and emotionally. It became too hard to keep up with bulimia. It was like a job, I had to be dedicated and committed and willing to do whatever it took to benefit. But I noticed my whole life was slowly crumbling, as I said I was destroying my family, getting help from every sector and not taking it, and my academics dropped drastically. Look I was never going to be the Dux Scholar, but I was bright, I was just lazy as all hell. But my main focus was on my weight and it had to stop.
I spent every second break time in my biology teacher’s classroom; writing out the path of a blood cell or the path of lipids during digestion, each 10 times. One of the English teachers who I never really liked, told me I was stupid and the biology teacher said I was going to fail matric so I might as well give up now because I am ‘NOWHERE!’ so school as you can imagine, was a really motivational and inspiring space for me. I cried after school basically everyday because I had been labelled as less than average, and in my mind I told myself I couldn’t do the work because I wasn’t smart enough. Scary how much teachers impact our lives and lead us into a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure or a feeling of worthlessness.
I wanted to prove them wrong, along with some of the girls, who never took what I said in class seriously and who thought I was actually stupid. I tried really hard to eat healthily, I did go to gym everyday but I was eventually back on track and eating properly. I felt good and confident after having no ambition, no drive to do anything vaguely challenging. I was ready and I was going to make a change in my life. This could have also come from me not vomiting up the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills I was taking along with my food.
I think the digestion of pills, did make a difference I wasn’t so unhappy with myself or my image. I became less secretive and my childhood bubbly-ness shone, only a little but still, for the first time in 4 years. That wasn’t the only thing that started to shine. When I went out on the weekend, I wasn’t vomiting, or taking laxatives, so alcohol started to take its effect. I was so desperate for social attention I would indulge in alcohol, (now I’m talking 2 ciders and a tequila) and it would result in me becoming the most hilarious girl that night, I wasn’t shy and I could talk to anyone, it was marvellous. I was that girl who would be dared to do something and with no questions would just jump into it. I was also one of the first girls to smoke, so I was super-hardcore (kidding).
This drinking was mild, accepted, if you will. I was the naughty one who drank and smoked. I was happy when I drank because I was funny and people enjoyed my company, and of course they don’t tell 16-17 year olds who are underage, that when taking anti-depressants it’s not wise to drink on them, as it will result in deeper depression or have the opposite effect. I got into a cycle of thinking people only liked me when I was drunk. I was only funny and fun when I was drunk. So here is where my drinking spiral started, I was either sober, sensible, boring wallflower or the crazy but cool girl, which was followed by depression/’losers’. Rock and a hard place, I thought. I had to sacrifice one or the other, so I sacrificed… the sensible one.
I was caught vomiting countless times. And my excuse ranged from, me saying I had a headache, or the food was too rich or that I just felt sick. My excuses ran out, and what ever I told my mom or whoever was concerned, they knew I was lying. People knew I was bulimic and I kept trying to deny it, but eventually I was just exhausted. I was tired of psychologists, and seeing as though I had three at one time, I would have to repeat the same story three times. Except for that one psychologist who tried to stop herself from yawning but I could see she wanted to as her nostrils grew bigger and her lips grew longer. I didn’t really talk in her sessions. And then the psychologist who had a beige walled office, beige picture frames, beige chair and couches, beige clothes and a really beige personality, she was a real treat.
Because I was under so much surveillance, and I could see I was damaging my mother physically and emotionally. It became too hard to keep up with bulimia. It was like a job, I had to be dedicated and committed and willing to do whatever it took to benefit. But I noticed my whole life was slowly crumbling, as I said I was destroying my family, getting help from every sector and not taking it, and my academics dropped drastically. Look I was never going to be the Dux Scholar, but I was bright, I was just lazy as all hell. But my main focus was on my weight and it had to stop.
I spent every second break time in my biology teacher’s classroom; writing out the path of a blood cell or the path of lipids during digestion, each 10 times. One of the English teachers who I never really liked, told me I was stupid and the biology teacher said I was going to fail matric so I might as well give up now because I am ‘NOWHERE!’ so school as you can imagine, was a really motivational and inspiring space for me. I cried after school basically everyday because I had been labelled as less than average, and in my mind I told myself I couldn’t do the work because I wasn’t smart enough. Scary how much teachers impact our lives and lead us into a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure or a feeling of worthlessness.
I wanted to prove them wrong, along with some of the girls, who never took what I said in class seriously and who thought I was actually stupid. I tried really hard to eat healthily, I did go to gym everyday but I was eventually back on track and eating properly. I felt good and confident after having no ambition, no drive to do anything vaguely challenging. I was ready and I was going to make a change in my life. This could have also come from me not vomiting up the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills I was taking along with my food.
I think the digestion of pills, did make a difference I wasn’t so unhappy with myself or my image. I became less secretive and my childhood bubbly-ness shone, only a little but still, for the first time in 4 years. That wasn’t the only thing that started to shine. When I went out on the weekend, I wasn’t vomiting, or taking laxatives, so alcohol started to take its effect. I was so desperate for social attention I would indulge in alcohol, (now I’m talking 2 ciders and a tequila) and it would result in me becoming the most hilarious girl that night, I wasn’t shy and I could talk to anyone, it was marvellous. I was that girl who would be dared to do something and with no questions would just jump into it. I was also one of the first girls to smoke, so I was super-hardcore (kidding).
This drinking was mild, accepted, if you will. I was the naughty one who drank and smoked. I was happy when I drank because I was funny and people enjoyed my company, and of course they don’t tell 16-17 year olds who are underage, that when taking anti-depressants it’s not wise to drink on them, as it will result in deeper depression or have the opposite effect. I got into a cycle of thinking people only liked me when I was drunk. I was only funny and fun when I was drunk. So here is where my drinking spiral started, I was either sober, sensible, boring wallflower or the crazy but cool girl, which was followed by depression/’losers’. Rock and a hard place, I thought. I had to sacrifice one or the other, so I sacrificed… the sensible one.
Friday, 9 March 2012
An Obsessive Commitment
To get back to the or rather my story: my laxative dependence was monitored,
and stopped all together actually. I was told to see the woman from Tara who I
mentioned in my previous blogs. But after copious amounts of blood test, ECG’s,
MRI’s, doctors, hospitals and a couple of psychologists, a woman from Tara didn’t
scare me.
We spoke about my disorder and how and why I was so scared of food. It wasn’t
the food it was carbohydrates, if I ate carbohydrates I would need to get rid of
them. She said we would start slow. One provita (cracker) a day in my lunch box,
just one. I was even too scared to eat that, sometimes I would eat half and gym a
little longer in the afternoon, or throw the whole thing away all together. I was
TERRIFIED. Eventually she worked me up to 3 a day and that I could not get my
mind around. They also landed up in the bin or I gave them to a friend. I would
not let them get inside me and destroy the work I had done. I continued to gym
excessively and deny my body of carbohydrates. I was also told not to do too
much exercise as my heart was probably still under a whole lot of pressure. Did I
care? Certainly not. But I wasn’t clever then, obviously, and I was still weak but
still committed to losing more weight.
Now because I was being watched, I couldn’t go into the shops alone, of if I did I
would have to bring back slips to show laxatives were not on the receipt, or to
show the correct change was there. It was difficult to enjoy a good meal without
feeling guilty so I did start vomiting up my food occasionally that is when I
wanted a scone or a pizza or something to that extent. When I vomited it wasn’t
easy, I had to train myself in my own step‐by‐step guide, if you will, of how to
successfully bring up my food. The problem with vomiting, although you don’
constantly feel ill like one does on laxatives, the effects are the same. I vomited
up all my fluids, electrolytes and salts, all the essentials to keep a body
functioning. The heart needs a medium, fluid or plasma, to pass the red blood
cells around the body and to the brain, so when there is no fluid, oxygen cannot
get to the brain, leaving the body in a bit of a mess. I was always light headed and
weak, my vision got blurred not too badly though and my hearing went a little
off.
The few hours before my dietician appointments had changed since I had lost
weight. Let me explain. When I was small in age but bigger in size, I would take
apple cider vinegar to school. Someone once said if you take a teaspoon of it
every morning it will speed up your metabolism. So in typical me style, the
extreme, I would drink half a bottle of vinegar at 2nd break that was probably at about
12:30 in time for my appointment at 14:00. In my mind it would shave off half a
kilo, then I wouldn’t get a mouthful from the dietician. It usually worked, but
drinking half a bottle of vinegar to the point of gagging, it was not worth it. This
attitude had changed slightly however, before the dietician I would drink a litre
and a half of water, which can basically make the scale say 1.5 kilos have been
put on and when the psychologist asked me if I needed the toilet (I had to go to
the toilet before I weighed in), I would say no and jump on the scale. I was
praised for putting on non‐existent weight. It was marvellous. But it did not do
wonders for my insides.
Vomiting like laxatives gave me a raw throat, I got calluses on my knuckles, my
skin was not ideal, my hair was unhealthy and my nails peeled off before they
even began to grow. And despite the amount of self‐tan I used, my skin did get a
yellowish tone to it, which is a side effect of an eating disorder.
I hated going out with friends, only because I envied them, they were allowed to
eat. Watching them slip pizza into their mouths with such ease and freedom no guilt at all. I
just drank coke lights pretending that they gave me the same amount of
satisfaction. I never ordered food out, I always said I had eaten, or I had just had an
ice‐cream or something.
I noticed a friend of mine was behaving in a similar way. Telling everyone how
much she had eaten. Before I had finalized my opinion about her having a
disorder, I observed her behaviour. Denying food, drinking water, in my
opinion…my tricks. The one afternoon we were at lunch she ate a meal and then
excused herself. I knew her game and I knew I could play it so much better than
she could. She took a while in the bathroom and when she returned I went into
the bathroom. There was one cubicle so I knew she was there. (This is how
obsessed I was) I could smell vomit and I could see the oil film that blanketed the
toilet bowl, and I remember thinking to myself if a person is going to vomit they
have to do it properly so no evidence is found. I knew the tricks I was a
professional.
I found this in one of my diaries from 2006. And I’m a little disturbed by it
actually;
1. Drink lots of water before a binge.
2. Wait a little have a cig or watch some tv, keep occupied for 10minutes
3. Use the basin not the toilet, this way you can tell exactly what has come up and
what hasn't.
4. Open window widely to get rid of smell.
5. Wet hand before.
6. If you vomit in the toilet make sure you lay toilet paper down first so that the
sound is muffled.
7. Lay toilet paper over vomit and flush, if film is still there, place more toilet
paper inside and flush.
8. Wipe all mess away from under the seat and around the upper bowl.
9. Wash hands and basin with hot water.
10. NB! Be gentle, when possible avoid calluses.
Thursday, 1 March 2012
Feeding Knowledge: Meaning in Disorder
Meaning of the disorder:
There are four factors to mention that of pride, power, hurt and protection.
Pride:
Teens with perfectionist tendencies, a diet becomes a major focus. Losing weight is praised, "I wish I had the will power you do to say no to cake and sweets." These sort of comments lead to a sense of pride in the individual, their values, self-esteem and a sense of accomplishment. When it gets taken to far and people start making recommendations of putting on weight, the ill person will see it as though the other person is jealous of their weight loss, especially seeing as though weigh and the perfect body image had been so focused on in society and the media.
The ill person may feel that they are unique in terms of body and shape that increases their feeling or self worth. (Taking this into account I used to feel worthless before I discovered laxatives they made me feel alive, they made me feel real as oppose to a wallflower of lard.)
Power:
People with these illnesses may find that they hold a lot of power in the family, which results in a feeling of strength within. For the first time in their lives they may feel they have complete control over something. If this feeling of power is enjoyed, the only way they can use it, in their minds is through the eating disorder as oppose to other areas such as school or friendships, thus making the illness even more profound.
Hurt:
In addition to the above, children may begin to realize how much hurt they are causing those closest to them which ultimately makes them feel worse. When this feeling arises, they tend to turn to the eating disorder as a coping mechanism, here again a vicious cycle.
Protection:
They may discover that with the eating disorder, their feelings of hurt are numbed and that other previous worries seem less important. The disorder becomes their prime focus, and over time develops into something familiar and comforting. Not eating provides a ‘high’ in my opinion, being in control and happy, as the disorder becomes a means of organizing their seemingly chaotic lives. It also serves to protect young people from the fear of growing up and maturation. (Disorders may stunt growth due to lack of the right nutrition, as well as take a toll on puberty, which was mentioned in the previous blog. Some females become too thin that their body stops menstruating.)
There are some changes in food behaviour that may be noticed with a child who suffers from an eating disorder:
Eating in silence. Preoccupied with the food and eating process.
Prolonged time ingesting their food
Playing with food, pushing it around the plate.
Excessive use of salt and spices on food.
Unusual mixes of different foods
Excessive gum chewing
Excessive drinking of coffee and tea, caffeinated drinks (diuretics)
From the same book I have mentioned, there is a list of what the eating disorder means for the child that I think is rather interesting. How they feel when they have the disorder:
I am now unique and special.
I feel virtuous and pure.
Not eating allows me to feel in complete control of my life.
Not eating makes me feel happy, straight away.
This makes me feel that I can do what no one else can.
Eating means I am a failure.
Eating means that I am weak.
I need to punish myself by not eating.
I don’t deserve to eat. If I eat, I don’t deserve to go out this evening.
Not eating allows me to be the centre of attention.
Not eating allows all my other worries to go away. This is all I have to focus on.
When I don’t eat I divert my attention away from other events. Ie. Arguments
When I don’t eat I feel empty. This is comfortable.
Not eating allows me to lose my period. I don’t want my period.
I don’t want to grow up.
The eating disorder is who I am.
I must say I have to agree with all of these but especially the last one. The eating disorder became who I was, as if I was living for the disorder. I focused on nothing else; read every label, every gram of fat was taken into account. If I couldn’t find laxatives I would buy 6 packets of sugar-free chewing gum, eat them but swallow the gum, all 6 packets, only because on the back I read, "excessive consumption may cause laxative effect." The eating or rather purging of food gave me a purpose, something I had lost a few years back.
There are four factors to mention that of pride, power, hurt and protection.
Pride:
Teens with perfectionist tendencies, a diet becomes a major focus. Losing weight is praised, "I wish I had the will power you do to say no to cake and sweets." These sort of comments lead to a sense of pride in the individual, their values, self-esteem and a sense of accomplishment. When it gets taken to far and people start making recommendations of putting on weight, the ill person will see it as though the other person is jealous of their weight loss, especially seeing as though weigh and the perfect body image had been so focused on in society and the media.
The ill person may feel that they are unique in terms of body and shape that increases their feeling or self worth. (Taking this into account I used to feel worthless before I discovered laxatives they made me feel alive, they made me feel real as oppose to a wallflower of lard.)
Power:
People with these illnesses may find that they hold a lot of power in the family, which results in a feeling of strength within. For the first time in their lives they may feel they have complete control over something. If this feeling of power is enjoyed, the only way they can use it, in their minds is through the eating disorder as oppose to other areas such as school or friendships, thus making the illness even more profound.
Hurt:
In addition to the above, children may begin to realize how much hurt they are causing those closest to them which ultimately makes them feel worse. When this feeling arises, they tend to turn to the eating disorder as a coping mechanism, here again a vicious cycle.
Protection:
They may discover that with the eating disorder, their feelings of hurt are numbed and that other previous worries seem less important. The disorder becomes their prime focus, and over time develops into something familiar and comforting. Not eating provides a ‘high’ in my opinion, being in control and happy, as the disorder becomes a means of organizing their seemingly chaotic lives. It also serves to protect young people from the fear of growing up and maturation. (Disorders may stunt growth due to lack of the right nutrition, as well as take a toll on puberty, which was mentioned in the previous blog. Some females become too thin that their body stops menstruating.)
There are some changes in food behaviour that may be noticed with a child who suffers from an eating disorder:
Prolonged time ingesting their food
Playing with food, pushing it around the plate.
Excessive use of salt and spices on food.
Unusual mixes of different foods
Excessive gum chewing
Excessive drinking of coffee and tea, caffeinated drinks (diuretics)
From the same book I have mentioned, there is a list of what the eating disorder means for the child that I think is rather interesting. How they feel when they have the disorder:
I am now unique and special.
I feel virtuous and pure.
Not eating allows me to feel in complete control of my life.
Not eating makes me feel happy, straight away.
This makes me feel that I can do what no one else can.
Eating means I am a failure.
Eating means that I am weak.
I need to punish myself by not eating.
I don’t deserve to eat. If I eat, I don’t deserve to go out this evening.
Not eating allows me to be the centre of attention.
Not eating allows all my other worries to go away. This is all I have to focus on.
When I don’t eat I divert my attention away from other events. Ie. Arguments
When I don’t eat I feel empty. This is comfortable.
Not eating allows me to lose my period. I don’t want my period.
I don’t want to grow up.
The eating disorder is who I am.
I must say I have to agree with all of these but especially the last one. The eating disorder became who I was, as if I was living for the disorder. I focused on nothing else; read every label, every gram of fat was taken into account. If I couldn’t find laxatives I would buy 6 packets of sugar-free chewing gum, eat them but swallow the gum, all 6 packets, only because on the back I read, "excessive consumption may cause laxative effect." The eating or rather purging of food gave me a purpose, something I had lost a few years back.
Feeding Knowledge: The False Truths
Surprisingly, eating disorders are not just an issue with food and eating, they are symptoms or results of underlying problems. The controlling of weight and food intake is used as tools to help with problems in a person’s life that ordinarily would seem almost impossible to solve. This is important: both restriction of food and binging, actually provides a way to numb feelings and emotions for a short time, until of course, they need to do it again which is the vicious cycle of the disorders. Others will use it as a sort of comfort (Katzman, D.k. & Pinhas, L., 2005).
Now here are some false truths about the disorders, what people perceive as truth and what is ACTUALLY true (Katzman, D.k. & Pinhas, L., 2005).
F# you can tell by appearance if someone has an eating disorder…
T# Well, not all anorexics are underweight much like how not all bulimics are skinny and not all bingers are overweight. Everyone’s appearances are different, genetics, allows for all individuals to be of a different size and shape. All of these disorders are serious mental and physical health problems, but they are not dependent on size or shape, and not all skinny girls have a weight problem, as this may be simply genetic.
F# People with anorexia do not eat rubbish food, sweets and takeaways…
T# Anorexia is not about the TYPE of food eaten but rather the AMOUNT of food allowed to enter the body, which is balanced or cancelled out for energy use.
F# Anorexics do not binge or purge, bulimics do not restrict…
T# Anorexics do have binges which may result in purging, some will purge even if a binge has not been had. Bulimics restrict food intake, eventually the body starts to crave certain nutrients and a binge will result, thus the binge purge cycle mentioned in the previous blog.
F# People think a person is bulimic only if they vomit or make use of laxatives, diuretics and diet pills as a form of getting rid of food…
T# excessive exercise, fasting, or food restriction (skipping meals) are also forms of bulimic behaviour.
F# boys with eating disorders are gay…
T# although the risk of an eating disorder is higher in homosexuals, both anorexia and bulimia effect straight boys. (I did know a boy, who, on telling him about my problem of occasionally vomiting, he spoke about how he too vomited up meals to keep fit for hockey. He was a jock, an ex-boyfriend of mine, also one of those 3 week ones. I thought he was lying, or just really strange).
Now these next ones I find very important to take note of, not only in terms of the blog, but other readers who know of someone or who are someone who has/had an eating disorder, and possibly need the truth or perhaps an explanation for the ‘methods in madness’.
F# people with eating disorders come from a broken/dysfunctional family…
T# The cause of eating disorders are not entirely known, however teenagers from all types of families have been recorded to have had eating disorders, so family is NOT the cause, family or the support thereof is the solution. If someone has an eating disorder in the family it may make way for a feeling that the family is dysfunctional but this is more of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
F# People with eating disorders, have the intention of hurting their family and friends…
T# observing the effects of an eating disorder on an individual may be extremely pain-full. BUT people with eating disorders do not always do what they do with the intention to hurt those closest to them. In fact, they tend to protect their families from knowing and perhaps feeling the emotional pain that they are going through, this is the secretive nature of the illness.
F# Those who binge or who are always eating are fat and lazy…
T# Binge eating is a serious disorder. It too has to do with emotional pain, and tough circumstances. They express emotional hurt through food, and those that binge eat do need to be treated for the illness. Diets are NOT the treatment.
F# You cant die from an eating disorder…
T# Eating disorders have one of the highest death rates of any psychiatric disorders. Death among teens with disorders goes between 5% and 9% and up to 20% in adults. Bulimics and anorexics are equally vulnerable.
F# Recovering from an eating disorder is like recovering from alcoholism…
T# While they are both coping mechanisms, they do differ in the recovery process. One way to recover from alcoholism is to stop drinking all together, recovering from an eating disorder requires steps to be taken, learning how to eat all kinds of food without compensating or having such a fear and guilt attached to food type. Unlike alcoholism, one with an eating disorder cannot simply stop eating.
Now here are some false truths about the disorders, what people perceive as truth and what is ACTUALLY true (Katzman, D.k. & Pinhas, L., 2005).
F# you can tell by appearance if someone has an eating disorder…
T# Well, not all anorexics are underweight much like how not all bulimics are skinny and not all bingers are overweight. Everyone’s appearances are different, genetics, allows for all individuals to be of a different size and shape. All of these disorders are serious mental and physical health problems, but they are not dependent on size or shape, and not all skinny girls have a weight problem, as this may be simply genetic.
F# People with anorexia do not eat rubbish food, sweets and takeaways…
T# Anorexia is not about the TYPE of food eaten but rather the AMOUNT of food allowed to enter the body, which is balanced or cancelled out for energy use.
F# Anorexics do not binge or purge, bulimics do not restrict…
T# Anorexics do have binges which may result in purging, some will purge even if a binge has not been had. Bulimics restrict food intake, eventually the body starts to crave certain nutrients and a binge will result, thus the binge purge cycle mentioned in the previous blog.
F# People think a person is bulimic only if they vomit or make use of laxatives, diuretics and diet pills as a form of getting rid of food…
T# excessive exercise, fasting, or food restriction (skipping meals) are also forms of bulimic behaviour.
F# boys with eating disorders are gay…
T# although the risk of an eating disorder is higher in homosexuals, both anorexia and bulimia effect straight boys. (I did know a boy, who, on telling him about my problem of occasionally vomiting, he spoke about how he too vomited up meals to keep fit for hockey. He was a jock, an ex-boyfriend of mine, also one of those 3 week ones. I thought he was lying, or just really strange).
Now these next ones I find very important to take note of, not only in terms of the blog, but other readers who know of someone or who are someone who has/had an eating disorder, and possibly need the truth or perhaps an explanation for the ‘methods in madness’.
F# people with eating disorders come from a broken/dysfunctional family…
T# The cause of eating disorders are not entirely known, however teenagers from all types of families have been recorded to have had eating disorders, so family is NOT the cause, family or the support thereof is the solution. If someone has an eating disorder in the family it may make way for a feeling that the family is dysfunctional but this is more of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
F# People with eating disorders, have the intention of hurting their family and friends…
T# observing the effects of an eating disorder on an individual may be extremely pain-full. BUT people with eating disorders do not always do what they do with the intention to hurt those closest to them. In fact, they tend to protect their families from knowing and perhaps feeling the emotional pain that they are going through, this is the secretive nature of the illness.
F# Those who binge or who are always eating are fat and lazy…
T# Binge eating is a serious disorder. It too has to do with emotional pain, and tough circumstances. They express emotional hurt through food, and those that binge eat do need to be treated for the illness. Diets are NOT the treatment.
F# You cant die from an eating disorder…
T# Eating disorders have one of the highest death rates of any psychiatric disorders. Death among teens with disorders goes between 5% and 9% and up to 20% in adults. Bulimics and anorexics are equally vulnerable.
F# Recovering from an eating disorder is like recovering from alcoholism…
T# While they are both coping mechanisms, they do differ in the recovery process. One way to recover from alcoholism is to stop drinking all together, recovering from an eating disorder requires steps to be taken, learning how to eat all kinds of food without compensating or having such a fear and guilt attached to food type. Unlike alcoholism, one with an eating disorder cannot simply stop eating.
Tuesday, 28 February 2012
Feeding Knowledge
I will continue with speaking about my struggle with an eating disorder, and I use ‘struggle’ because that is what an eating disorder is. A struggle with the persons mind, mouth, and image. It is very easy to look at a skinny girl and say, "come on man. EAT A BURGER!" and it is annoying and frustrating to those who do not understand what happens in the mind of a person with an eating disorder. People think it is a pathetic excuse to loose weight, but it goes way beyond that unfortunately.
This blog is of research I have done; I want to fill everyone in on what an eating disorder is, why it occurs and some of the false truths about the disease.
I have got this information from a book my mother had brought on finding out about my disorder. Help for eating disorders: a parent’s guide to symptoms, causes and treatments. By Dr Debra K. Katzman & Dr Leora Pinhas (2005)
Eating disorders affect every part of a persons life, and the disorders include; anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa and binge eating all of which include extreme feelings, behaviours and attitudes about weight and issues with food. All of the above eating disorders are serious problems that have emotional and physical problems associated with them.
Here are some facts about the disorders:
Eating disorders are common between the ages of 12 and 25 years old. Children as young as 7 years old have been diagnosed with an eating disorder.
The greatest risk group is girls between the ages of 14 and 18 years old.
1 in 8 adolescent girls have eating disorders.
At least 1 in 10 people who develop eating disorders are boys.
Most children get help for an eating disorder from parental intervention…not because they want to GET help.
Up to 20% of patients with eating disorders will eventually die from the illness.
Although adolescents do not have more than one eating disorder at a time, it is not unusual for them to have different eating disorders at different times.
On average 30% of teenagers with anorexia nervosa will develop bulimia nervosa.
The impact of the illness on the individual is more important than the type of disorder the person has.
Eating disorders were thought to only affect white girls from wealthy families. This fact is false. It may affect any racial, ethnic or economic back round and a person may be of any age and any sexual orientation.
These disorders are not a phase of growing up, or of dieting. It is a real medical disorder that most often requires professional help.
Nearly 80% of teen girls and 10% of teen boys have been on a diet since they were 13.
Approximately 1 in 3 young people who diet will progress to serious dieting and 25% of these serious dieters will develop unhealthy eating attitudes and behaviours towards food or an eating disorder.
Children who’s mothers have suffered from an eating disorder, may be at a higher risk of becoming ill.
Eating disorders may slow down or stop puberty. May result in loss of hair, discolouration of the skin to a yellowish tone and mental alertness is lowered.
As mentioned above, there were three types of eating disorders that I will go into now. These too taken from the book mentioned above.
Anorexia Nervosa
Anorexia is a serious and sometimes life threatening disorder, and it is known for self-starvation and extreme weight loss. children with this disorder have a great fear of weight gain and becoming over weight. Along with an extreme, obsessive drive to be thin. People with this disorder have a very strict control over what they eat and become obsessed with food and dieting thereof. No matter how much weight they lose or how thing they get, it just is not enough, they still think they are too fat or are terrified of becoming overwight.
Some people may undergo excessive exercise to burn calories, count calories and grams of fat they put into their body, starve themselves or limit themselves to certain foods. They may try and get rid of the food they have eaten by means of purging such as vomiting or taking laxatives. Diet pills may also be used in order to suppress their appetite. One may notice the person denying hunger, making excuses to avoid eating, not eating in front of people and often hiding food that they have claimed to have already eaten.
Bulimia Nervosa:
This disorder begins much like how anorexia
nervosa begins, by trying to eat less to lose unwanted weight. However instead of starving themselves they will binge and then purge.
Binging is when a person eats an unusually large amount of food in a short period of time. People with this disorder feel a lack of control over eating behaviours while they are binging. After they binge they purge. Purging is caused by fear of weight gain, a feeling of discomfort, and loss of control and may either be done by vomiting or by use of laxatives, diuretics, and diet pills. Binging and purging are usually done in secret. This illness is known for its cyclical binging and purging nature.
This illness is difficult to pick up as a person’s weight may vary. What may be noticeable is that the person may eat a large amount of food which will be followed by guilt and possibly depression, they will get involved in strict exercise regimes and diets. There is a misuse of laxatives, diuretics and diet pills. The person may make excuses to go to the bathroom straight after eating. Their weight may fluctuate slightly and they are able to eat a large amount without the expected weight gain. They may be caught vomiting in the bathroom or traces of vomit may be found.
Binge Eating Disorder:
This is a fairly newly found disorder. It is characterized by eating large amounts of food, eating until the person is uncomfortable, eating very quickly and often in secret. They usually feel guilty, ashamed and/or depressed after a binge. The person may eat even when not hungry.
People with this disorder use food to try and alter uncomfortable emotions. They may be sad, bored, angry or worried. They will often eat in secret or hide food to eat later while they are alone. Many of these people are either of an above average weight or obese. Some young people who suffer from this disorder may struggle with depression.
I don’t know if you are picking up any connections between the three mentioned disorders. Obviously in the bulimia nervosa disorder but also in the binge eating disorder. This is just a brief overview of an eating disorder(s).
TO BE CONTINUED…
This blog is of research I have done; I want to fill everyone in on what an eating disorder is, why it occurs and some of the false truths about the disease.
I have got this information from a book my mother had brought on finding out about my disorder. Help for eating disorders: a parent’s guide to symptoms, causes and treatments. By Dr Debra K. Katzman & Dr Leora Pinhas (2005)
Eating disorders affect every part of a persons life, and the disorders include; anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa and binge eating all of which include extreme feelings, behaviours and attitudes about weight and issues with food. All of the above eating disorders are serious problems that have emotional and physical problems associated with them.
Here are some facts about the disorders:
Eating disorders are common between the ages of 12 and 25 years old. Children as young as 7 years old have been diagnosed with an eating disorder.
The greatest risk group is girls between the ages of 14 and 18 years old.
1 in 8 adolescent girls have eating disorders.
At least 1 in 10 people who develop eating disorders are boys.
Most children get help for an eating disorder from parental intervention…not because they want to GET help.
Up to 20% of patients with eating disorders will eventually die from the illness.
Although adolescents do not have more than one eating disorder at a time, it is not unusual for them to have different eating disorders at different times.
On average 30% of teenagers with anorexia nervosa will develop bulimia nervosa.
The impact of the illness on the individual is more important than the type of disorder the person has.
Eating disorders were thought to only affect white girls from wealthy families. This fact is false. It may affect any racial, ethnic or economic back round and a person may be of any age and any sexual orientation.
These disorders are not a phase of growing up, or of dieting. It is a real medical disorder that most often requires professional help.
Nearly 80% of teen girls and 10% of teen boys have been on a diet since they were 13.
Approximately 1 in 3 young people who diet will progress to serious dieting and 25% of these serious dieters will develop unhealthy eating attitudes and behaviours towards food or an eating disorder.
Children who’s mothers have suffered from an eating disorder, may be at a higher risk of becoming ill.
Eating disorders may slow down or stop puberty. May result in loss of hair, discolouration of the skin to a yellowish tone and mental alertness is lowered.
As mentioned above, there were three types of eating disorders that I will go into now. These too taken from the book mentioned above.
Anorexia Nervosa
Anorexia is a serious and sometimes life threatening disorder, and it is known for self-starvation and extreme weight loss. children with this disorder have a great fear of weight gain and becoming over weight. Along with an extreme, obsessive drive to be thin. People with this disorder have a very strict control over what they eat and become obsessed with food and dieting thereof. No matter how much weight they lose or how thing they get, it just is not enough, they still think they are too fat or are terrified of becoming overwight.
Some people may undergo excessive exercise to burn calories, count calories and grams of fat they put into their body, starve themselves or limit themselves to certain foods. They may try and get rid of the food they have eaten by means of purging such as vomiting or taking laxatives. Diet pills may also be used in order to suppress their appetite. One may notice the person denying hunger, making excuses to avoid eating, not eating in front of people and often hiding food that they have claimed to have already eaten.
Bulimia Nervosa:
This disorder begins much like how anorexia
nervosa begins, by trying to eat less to lose unwanted weight. However instead of starving themselves they will binge and then purge.
Binging is when a person eats an unusually large amount of food in a short period of time. People with this disorder feel a lack of control over eating behaviours while they are binging. After they binge they purge. Purging is caused by fear of weight gain, a feeling of discomfort, and loss of control and may either be done by vomiting or by use of laxatives, diuretics, and diet pills. Binging and purging are usually done in secret. This illness is known for its cyclical binging and purging nature.
This illness is difficult to pick up as a person’s weight may vary. What may be noticeable is that the person may eat a large amount of food which will be followed by guilt and possibly depression, they will get involved in strict exercise regimes and diets. There is a misuse of laxatives, diuretics and diet pills. The person may make excuses to go to the bathroom straight after eating. Their weight may fluctuate slightly and they are able to eat a large amount without the expected weight gain. They may be caught vomiting in the bathroom or traces of vomit may be found.
Binge Eating Disorder:
This is a fairly newly found disorder. It is characterized by eating large amounts of food, eating until the person is uncomfortable, eating very quickly and often in secret. They usually feel guilty, ashamed and/or depressed after a binge. The person may eat even when not hungry.
People with this disorder use food to try and alter uncomfortable emotions. They may be sad, bored, angry or worried. They will often eat in secret or hide food to eat later while they are alone. Many of these people are either of an above average weight or obese. Some young people who suffer from this disorder may struggle with depression.
I don’t know if you are picking up any connections between the three mentioned disorders. Obviously in the bulimia nervosa disorder but also in the binge eating disorder. This is just a brief overview of an eating disorder(s).
TO BE CONTINUED…
Saturday, 18 February 2012
Funny Girl
Before I start this next blog I am giving a warning. This blog will probably be the most disgusting, maybe even a little disturbing if your that kind of person. The thing is, this is not a book, I am not a character and its not intended for you to use your imagination so I am going to tell every detail. This will probably come back to haunt me but I think it is relevant.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
So after all the blood tests and brain scans everything came back negative. Obviously. But my mom still didn’t understand. If I can I will try post pictures of my school diary from grade 11, besides me saying "yay he, he," next to everything I wrote, nearly every second day I have written ‘sick today’ or ‘doctor x2’ sometimes both and when I have referred to myself I have drawn a stick figure, with a continuously scribbled circle (only way I can describe it) where the stomach is, bear in mind I was weighing 48kgs which was far too small for my frame. My sleeping patterns got really strange, I would come home from school, go to gym, come home, eat, go to sleep at 8 wake up at 11 and try work. Laxatives made me super exhausted. I would often wake up in the morning and need to vomit, or wake up in the middle of the night to vomit, what I was vomiting up I don’t know, it was strange, bitter, what seemed like bile but a lot and it burned like hell, but again I couldn’t be bothered. My throat became like steal, and people were surprised that I could drink a boiling hot cup of tea or coffee so quickly, I had literally burnt off the feeling in my throat from all the acid.
Laxatives if taken after a meal and then food is eaten over them, puts so much pressure on your body, its trying to digest, but cant, it has been told, so to speak, to get rid of the food so its doing that while your liver is trying to detoxify the body from the poison, and I say poison because laxatives are basically poison. So your body brings it up. This happened often, at school, at home, and most embarrassingly, well it only happened once, I was in a shopping centre, and when ever I went shopping with my mom I got excited cause I felt thin and beautiful in my eyes but looked like a skinny, white girl desperately trying to pull off an oriental look. Way too much self-tan and pitch black hair. A nik nak with one of the tips dipped in black ink. RIDICULOUS. So we went into the shopping centre and I could feel it, it was bubbling in my throat, and as we walked past a restaurant I started to run for the bin, kind of making it, but also trying to hold it in my shirt. I was wearing all white and the vomit was orangey. (So white shoes, orange legs white skirt, white shirt, orange vomit, orange face, possibly looking like a dodgy Dr Seuss character), needless to say no one helped my mom and me, probably thinking I was hung-over and thought I should learn my lesson about underage drinking or whatever.
It was great when I went out I could drink a lot, because it passed through my system. But what I found weird is that I would get tipsy and confident despite the laxatives but not smashed. I’m still curious as to how that worked. I was getting attention from boys, which I liked but again always questioning if it may be a cruel joke or if they actually liked me. When I was drunk-ish I was told I was fun and funny, but I was only 16/17, so I started doing it more and more often to be the funny fun girl. If I did drink too much over the laxatives I would vomit it up anyway and be able to drink more. (This pattern of drinking a lot to be funny and get attention did get worse and is coming up in the next few blogs)
Now with this whole vomiting thing, now this is quite gross so brace yourselves. Going to the toilet was difficult because once I reached a point where I would either vomit or the laxatives would have done their job both became a norm for me, but it was difficult because sometimes I would run to the bathroom and have to ask myself on arrival which end to hold over the toilet seat. Sometimes I ended up either having to change my pants or again vomiting into a towel or my shirt. Cleaning these was not fun but was a job that had to be done (rhyme not intentional). What I eventually had to start doing was wearing a pad, basically everyday, as a make shift nappy. But let me just explain what comes out is not what you may be thinking and when you take them as often as I did, it becomes liquid, and when I went to the woman from Tara, she told me that is was pretty much the body’s plasma, because the body has gone into an over drive and I had taken far to many laxatives for what I had eaten, its like, I’m going to be blunt… peeing out your bum (laugh, laugh, giggle giggle. I’m serious.) Again another thing I became accustomed to.
Eventually my mom found a slipper of mine buried deep in my cupboard. It was a pink dinosaur foot with silver claws and glitter everywhere, (I’m embarrassed to admit I still have them), and inside I had hidden laxative wrappers that I couldn’t get rid of at home, because someone would find them in the bin and know. I thought the slipper was perfect no one would look there. My mom found them and I told her they were from long ago, and she was a little suspect, I don’t think she believed me but after that she watched me. And I started eating normal-ish again. Not for long though. When I passed out at school, which I wrote about in the last blog, my mom thought maybe I had had a seizure, because of how the girls and nurse had described it. Kind of eyes rolling back, incontinence and so on. And eventually I was caught out and my laxative dependence was put a stop to.
I had somehow got laxatives past my mom, and because I hadn’t taken them in a little while my body started to try function normally again, I think I took maybe 20 laxatives thinking I would be fine and my body would cope, but I was wrong. My mom woke me up for school and as I got up I collapsed and told her I couldn’t go, she told me I was going and when ever I tried to stand I collapsed, I was dizzy and couldn’t see, I don’t remember it very well, my mind was no where, but again it did look like a seizure. My mom told me this I don’t remember but she said I was holding onto her and begging for help, but the way she said I said it was desperate, so desperate to be helped.
I was given a banana, because of the potassium and I remember waking up with it half eaten in my hand, I was too scared to eat the whole thing, again fear of weight gain. I had admitted defeat basically and went to the doctor (GP) and told her what had happened, and was told to eat salty peanuts and take some rehydrate. She booked me off school for a few days. I caused a lot of pain. My stepfather’s wife passed away due to an eating disorder and he said to my mom that day, when it happened because he was there and saw the whole thing, he gave me the banana, he said it was way too close to home and if the eating disorder was because of him he would leave. I only found this out months later but I am so grateful that he didn’t.
I started seeing a psychologist and a food psychologist, the one from Tara, and although I wasn’t taking laxatives, my mind was still in body dimorphic mode. An eating disorder can really contaminate your mind, it takes over your life. If you can’t use the one way you will start using others, you will do whatever it takes to be thin and manipulate the people around you in order to lose weight…
*I will be writing about eating disorders as a whole in terms of research. the reasons behind the disorders etc
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