An Obsessive Commitment

To get back to the or rather my story: my laxative dependence was monitored,

and stopped all together actually. I was told to see the woman from Tara who I

mentioned in my previous blogs. But after copious amounts of blood test, ECG’s,

MRI’s, doctors, hospitals and a couple of psychologists, a woman from Tara didn’t

scare me.

We spoke about my disorder and how and why I was so scared of food. It wasn’t

the food it was carbohydrates, if I ate carbohydrates I would need to get rid of

them. She said we would start slow. One provita (cracker) a day in my lunch box,

just one. I was even too scared to eat that, sometimes I would eat half and gym a

little longer in the afternoon, or throw the whole thing away all together. I was

TERRIFIED. Eventually she worked me up to 3 a day and that I could not get my

mind around. They also landed up in the bin or I gave them to a friend. I would

not let them get inside me and destroy the work I had done. I continued to gym

excessively and deny my body of carbohydrates. I was also told not to do too

much exercise as my heart was probably still under a whole lot of pressure. Did I

care? Certainly not. But I wasn’t clever then, obviously, and I was still weak but

still committed to losing more weight.

Now because I was being watched, I couldn’t go into the shops alone, of if I did I

would have to bring back slips to show laxatives were not on the receipt, or to

show the correct change was there. It was difficult to enjoy a good meal without

feeling guilty so I did start vomiting up my food occasionally that is when I

wanted a scone or a pizza or something to that extent. When I vomited it wasn’t

easy, I had to train myself in my own step‐by‐step guide, if you will, of how to

successfully bring up my food. The problem with vomiting, although you don’

constantly feel ill like one does on laxatives, the effects are the same. I vomited

up all my fluids, electrolytes and salts, all the essentials to keep a body

functioning. The heart needs a medium, fluid or plasma, to pass the red blood

cells around the body and to the brain, so when there is no fluid, oxygen cannot

get to the brain, leaving the body in a bit of a mess. I was always light headed and

weak, my vision got blurred not too badly though and my hearing went a little

off.

The few hours before my dietician appointments had changed since I had lost

weight. Let me explain. When I was small in age but bigger in size, I would take

apple cider vinegar to school. Someone once said if you take a teaspoon of it

every morning it will speed up your metabolism. So in typical me style, the

extreme, I would drink half a bottle of vinegar at 2nd break that was probably at about

12:30 in time for my appointment at 14:00. In my mind it would shave off half a

kilo, then I wouldn’t get a mouthful from the dietician. It usually worked, but

drinking half a bottle of vinegar to the point of gagging, it was not worth it. This

attitude had changed slightly however, before the dietician I would drink a litre

and a half of water, which can basically make the scale say 1.5 kilos have been

put on and when the psychologist asked me if I needed the toilet (I had to go to

the toilet before I weighed in), I would say no and jump on the scale. I was

praised for putting on non‐existent weight. It was marvellous. But it did not do

wonders for my insides.

Vomiting like laxatives gave me a raw throat, I got calluses on my knuckles, my

skin was not ideal, my hair was unhealthy and my nails peeled off before they

even began to grow. And despite the amount of self‐tan I used, my skin did get a

yellowish tone to it, which is a side effect of an eating disorder.

I hated going out with friends, only because I envied them, they were allowed to

eat. Watching them slip pizza into their mouths with such ease and freedom no guilt at all. I

just drank coke lights pretending that they gave me the same amount of

satisfaction. I never ordered food out, I always said I had eaten, or I had just had an

ice‐cream or something.

I noticed a friend of mine was behaving in a similar way. Telling everyone how

much she had eaten. Before I had finalized my opinion about her having a

disorder, I observed her behaviour. Denying food, drinking water, in my

opinion…my tricks. The one afternoon we were at lunch she ate a meal and then

excused herself. I knew her game and I knew I could play it so much better than

she could. She took a while in the bathroom and when she returned I went into

the bathroom. There was one cubicle so I knew she was there. (This is how

obsessed I was) I could smell vomit and I could see the oil film that blanketed the

toilet bowl, and I remember thinking to myself if a person is going to vomit they

have to do it properly so no evidence is found. I knew the tricks I was a

professional.

I found this in one of my diaries from 2006. And I’m a little disturbed by it

actually;

1. Drink lots of water before a binge.

2. Wait a little have a cig or watch some tv, keep occupied for 10minutes

3. Use the basin not the toilet, this way you can tell exactly what has come up and

what hasn't.

4. Open window widely to get rid of smell.

5. Wet hand before.

6. If you vomit in the toilet make sure you lay toilet paper down first so that the

sound is muffled.

7. Lay toilet paper over vomit and flush, if film is still there, place more toilet

paper inside and flush.

8. Wipe all mess away from under the seat and around the upper bowl.

9. Wash hands and basin with hot water.

10. NB! Be gentle, when possible avoid calluses.