Feeding Knowledge: Meaning in Disorder

Meaning of the disorder:

There are four factors to mention that of pride, power, hurt and protection.

Pride:

Teens with perfectionist tendencies, a diet becomes a major focus. Losing weight is praised, "I wish I had the will power you do to say no to cake and sweets." These sort of comments lead to a sense of pride in the individual, their values, self-esteem and a sense of accomplishment. When it gets taken to far and people start making recommendations of putting on weight, the ill person will see it as though the other person is jealous of their weight loss, especially seeing as though weigh and the perfect body image had been so focused on in society and the media.

The ill person may feel that they are unique in terms of body and shape that increases their feeling or self worth. (Taking this into account I used to feel worthless before I discovered laxatives they made me feel alive, they made me feel real as oppose to a wallflower of lard.)

Power:

People with these illnesses may find that they hold a lot of power in the family, which results in a feeling of strength within. For the first time in their lives they may feel they have complete control over something. If this feeling of power is enjoyed, the only way they can use it, in their minds is through the eating disorder as oppose to other areas such as school or friendships, thus making the illness even more profound.

Hurt:

In addition to the above, children may begin to realize how much hurt they are causing those closest to them which ultimately makes them feel worse. When this feeling arises, they tend to turn to the eating disorder as a coping mechanism, here again a vicious cycle.

Protection:

They may discover that with the eating disorder, their feelings of hurt are numbed and that other previous worries seem less important. The disorder becomes their prime focus, and over time develops into something familiar and comforting. Not eating provides a ‘high’ in my opinion, being in control and happy, as the disorder becomes a means of organizing their seemingly chaotic lives. It also serves to protect young people from the fear of growing up and maturation. (Disorders may stunt growth due to lack of the right nutrition, as well as take a toll on puberty, which was mentioned in the previous blog. Some females become too thin that their body stops menstruating.)

There are some changes in food behaviour that may be noticed with a child who suffers from an eating disorder:
Eating in silence. Preoccupied with the food and eating process.

Prolonged time ingesting their food

Playing with food, pushing it around the plate.

Excessive use of salt and spices on food.

Unusual mixes of different foods

Excessive gum chewing

Excessive drinking of coffee and tea, caffeinated drinks (diuretics)

From the same book I have mentioned, there is a list of what the eating disorder means for the child that I think is rather interesting. How they feel when they have the disorder:

I am now unique and special.

I feel virtuous and pure.

Not eating allows me to feel in complete control of my life.

Not eating makes me feel happy, straight away.

This makes me feel that I can do what no one else can.

Eating means I am a failure.

Eating means that I am weak.

I need to punish myself by not eating.

I don’t deserve to eat. If I eat, I don’t deserve to go out this evening.

Not eating allows me to be the centre of attention.

Not eating allows all my other worries to go away. This is all I have to focus on.

When I don’t eat I divert my attention away from other events. Ie. Arguments

When I don’t eat I feel empty. This is comfortable.

Not eating allows me to lose my period. I don’t want my period.

I don’t want to grow up.

The eating disorder is who I am.

I must say I have to agree with all of these but especially the last one. The eating disorder became who I was, as if I was living for the disorder. I focused on nothing else; read every label, every gram of fat was taken into account. If I couldn’t find laxatives I would buy 6 packets of sugar-free chewing gum, eat them but swallow the gum, all 6 packets, only because on the back I read, "excessive consumption may cause laxative effect." The eating or rather purging of food gave me a purpose, something I had lost a few years back.