Before I start this next blog I am giving a warning. This blog will probably be the most disgusting, maybe even a little disturbing if your that kind of person. The thing is, this is not a book, I am not a character and its not intended for you to use your imagination so I am going to tell every detail. This will probably come back to haunt me but I think it is relevant.
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So after all the blood tests and brain scans everything came back negative. Obviously. But my mom still didn’t understand. If I can I will try post pictures of my school diary from grade 11, besides me saying "yay he, he," next to everything I wrote, nearly every second day I have written ‘sick today’ or ‘doctor x2’ sometimes both and when I have referred to myself I have drawn a stick figure, with a continuously scribbled circle (only way I can describe it) where the stomach is, bear in mind I was weighing 48kgs which was far too small for my frame. My sleeping patterns got really strange, I would come home from school, go to gym, come home, eat, go to sleep at 8 wake up at 11 and try work. Laxatives made me super exhausted. I would often wake up in the morning and need to vomit, or wake up in the middle of the night to vomit, what I was vomiting up I don’t know, it was strange, bitter, what seemed like bile but a lot and it burned like hell, but again I couldn’t be bothered. My throat became like steal, and people were surprised that I could drink a boiling hot cup of tea or coffee so quickly, I had literally burnt off the feeling in my throat from all the acid.
Laxatives if taken after a meal and then food is eaten over them, puts so much pressure on your body, its trying to digest, but cant, it has been told, so to speak, to get rid of the food so its doing that while your liver is trying to detoxify the body from the poison, and I say poison because laxatives are basically poison. So your body brings it up. This happened often, at school, at home, and most embarrassingly, well it only happened once, I was in a shopping centre, and when ever I went shopping with my mom I got excited cause I felt thin and beautiful in my eyes but looked like a skinny, white girl desperately trying to pull off an oriental look. Way too much self-tan and pitch black hair. A nik nak with one of the tips dipped in black ink. RIDICULOUS. So we went into the shopping centre and I could feel it, it was bubbling in my throat, and as we walked past a restaurant I started to run for the bin, kind of making it, but also trying to hold it in my shirt. I was wearing all white and the vomit was orangey. (So white shoes, orange legs white skirt, white shirt, orange vomit, orange face, possibly looking like a dodgy Dr Seuss character), needless to say no one helped my mom and me, probably thinking I was hung-over and thought I should learn my lesson about underage drinking or whatever.
It was great when I went out I could drink a lot, because it passed through my system. But what I found weird is that I would get tipsy and confident despite the laxatives but not smashed. I’m still curious as to how that worked. I was getting attention from boys, which I liked but again always questioning if it may be a cruel joke or if they actually liked me. When I was drunk-ish I was told I was fun and funny, but I was only 16/17, so I started doing it more and more often to be the funny fun girl. If I did drink too much over the laxatives I would vomit it up anyway and be able to drink more. (This pattern of drinking a lot to be funny and get attention did get worse and is coming up in the next few blogs)
Now with this whole vomiting thing, now this is quite gross so brace yourselves. Going to the toilet was difficult because once I reached a point where I would either vomit or the laxatives would have done their job both became a norm for me, but it was difficult because sometimes I would run to the bathroom and have to ask myself on arrival which end to hold over the toilet seat. Sometimes I ended up either having to change my pants or again vomiting into a towel or my shirt. Cleaning these was not fun but was a job that had to be done (rhyme not intentional). What I eventually had to start doing was wearing a pad, basically everyday, as a make shift nappy. But let me just explain what comes out is not what you may be thinking and when you take them as often as I did, it becomes liquid, and when I went to the woman from Tara, she told me that is was pretty much the body’s plasma, because the body has gone into an over drive and I had taken far to many laxatives for what I had eaten, its like, I’m going to be blunt… peeing out your bum (laugh, laugh, giggle giggle. I’m serious.) Again another thing I became accustomed to.
Eventually my mom found a slipper of mine buried deep in my cupboard. It was a pink dinosaur foot with silver claws and glitter everywhere, (I’m embarrassed to admit I still have them), and inside I had hidden laxative wrappers that I couldn’t get rid of at home, because someone would find them in the bin and know. I thought the slipper was perfect no one would look there. My mom found them and I told her they were from long ago, and she was a little suspect, I don’t think she believed me but after that she watched me. And I started eating normal-ish again. Not for long though. When I passed out at school, which I wrote about in the last blog, my mom thought maybe I had had a seizure, because of how the girls and nurse had described it. Kind of eyes rolling back, incontinence and so on. And eventually I was caught out and my laxative dependence was put a stop to.
I had somehow got laxatives past my mom, and because I hadn’t taken them in a little while my body started to try function normally again, I think I took maybe 20 laxatives thinking I would be fine and my body would cope, but I was wrong. My mom woke me up for school and as I got up I collapsed and told her I couldn’t go, she told me I was going and when ever I tried to stand I collapsed, I was dizzy and couldn’t see, I don’t remember it very well, my mind was no where, but again it did look like a seizure. My mom told me this I don’t remember but she said I was holding onto her and begging for help, but the way she said I said it was desperate, so desperate to be helped.
I was given a banana, because of the potassium and I remember waking up with it half eaten in my hand, I was too scared to eat the whole thing, again fear of weight gain. I had admitted defeat basically and went to the doctor (GP) and told her what had happened, and was told to eat salty peanuts and take some rehydrate. She booked me off school for a few days. I caused a lot of pain. My stepfather’s wife passed away due to an eating disorder and he said to my mom that day, when it happened because he was there and saw the whole thing, he gave me the banana, he said it was way too close to home and if the eating disorder was because of him he would leave. I only found this out months later but I am so grateful that he didn’t.
I started seeing a psychologist and a food psychologist, the one from Tara, and although I wasn’t taking laxatives, my mind was still in body dimorphic mode. An eating disorder can really contaminate your mind, it takes over your life. If you can’t use the one way you will start using others, you will do whatever it takes to be thin and manipulate the people around you in order to lose weight…
*I will be writing about eating disorders as a whole in terms of research. the reasons behind the disorders etc
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