My Liquid Crutch

This blog, as a whole may come across as having a self-pitying, ‘poor me’ nature about it, but this is not my intention. I want to voice my feelings and problems and put them out there with no remorse and no fear and as idealistic as this may sound, I feel it may help people in knowing that they are not alone, that there are ways around a problem, and they are not the so-called problem.

There is a saying, "you are your own problem and you’re your own solution." I do not know who said this but I do know it was in the movie Bridesmaids, but that’s not the point. Some people say these are wise words, wise? I don’t think so, motivational? Maybe…I think it’s quite simply, ridiculous. Yes some people surround themselves with drama and create issues for no particular reason, in my opinion they are bored as all hell, and need something to complain about because in truth, their life is actually not that bad. Why would we want to make our own problems? Creating problems that don’t exist? Why would we want to torture ourselves like that, drop ourselves into a deep and seemingly endless depression?

In terms of that quotation, I’m not talking about little problems that are usually self-imposed, I’m talking about the ones we actually have no control over; a sick parent, a sick sibling, death of a parent or sibling, being bullied at school or at work, these problems we do not cause ourselves, we do not want them or ask for them, they are given to us by fate, destiny, God or the universe, which ever you believe in. From these problems spiral webs of smaller problems which get bigger and usually completely out of control if they are not attended to.

I’m sure many people have witnessed this with a friend, a parent, or even a movie, but an example of this spiralling is alcoholism. A little problem is helped with a glass or two of wine, which turns into a bottle or two of wine, to perhaps a box or two of wine (Silly example but I think that sums it up). Many young people, I’m talking high school and early varsity students, think alcoholism is a joke, getting drunk is cool, and if you’re the drunkest you’re a legend. I know I thought that, I was that girl, the drunkest at the party ALWAYS.

Alcoholism is an illness.

I have been living off ‘crutches’; comfort food, restricting food, exercise, nicotine and eventually alcohol. My drinking started off as a confidence enhancer, so to speak, and resulted in me destroying my relationships, severely hurting my family, humiliating myself at any chance I got (unintentionally), and making close to a decade of my life and memories an alcoholic blur.

This may sound hideously clichéd but the song ‘somebody that I used to know’ by Gotye has a lyric, "you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness," to me this lyric sums up the problem. You can get addicted to sadness, you cannot get out and it can kill you emotionally. I like to think of it as giving up smoking, you so desperately want to stop and break free but just cant, but then there are those ones that do, they build up the strength to just break out of it, some more easily than others.

At the top of the blogsite it reads "do you ever look into the mirror to remind yourself you’re still there," it was taken from an Arctic Monkeys lyric, "do you look into the mirror to remind yourself you’re there." Because honestly I don’t know how many times I looked into the mirror either still drunk the morning after a big night, when I was drunk out or came home drunk, I would look into the mirror and not really like what or who I saw, I didn’t know that person, but they were apart of me and some people knew me as that drunk mess in the mirror. I hear stories of my behaviour when I was drunk and I die inside, that sinking feeling of absolute shame. I had no control over what I did, which may sound like a poor excuse but its true. My level of drunkenness was not that of tipsy mistakes but rather of fatal drinking. My tipsy was another persons ‘smashed’. When I look back now it, it feels like I did have a split personality (I didn’t/don’t). I completely switched when I was drunk, I was; aggressive, obnoxious, violent, cruel, annoying and at some points, I had thoughts of suicide.

This is merely an introduction to a whole load of stories, which are humorous, shocking, sad and just scary.